Losing My Religion
by historylover
Summary: Castiel has lost everything. Tag to "Dark Side of the Moon".


A/N: A lot of plot bunnies for this episode. I liked the episode, in spite of the depiction of God in the Supernatural world. But, my heart broke for Cas. So, this is actually my first full attempt to write him.

And since I doubt whether I'll write another multichapter… And I know my last one was weird. Don't worry. I got it out of my system. By the way, the last story—it ended however you wanted it to end. But, now I'm back to my normal one-shots. And that's what I'll stick with from now on.

Disclaimer: Everything is disclaimed. And, MST3K and all that.

**Losing My Religion**

"You son of a bitch. I believed in…"

Castiel couldn't finish. Why waste his breath? God wanted them to back off so…

He just couldn't accept it.

Forever, he had been an angel, following what he thought was God's will. God's desires, passed down from his superiors.

He had never questioned. He had always obeyed, because he thought that's what God wanted.

He never strayed, always focusing on the mission ahead.

He viewed humans from a distance, fascinated by them. Their joys, their pains, their weaknesses, their strengths. However, he never really wanted to be one of them. He never wanted to experience emotions like the betrayal he was feeling now. He had the camaraderie of fellow soldier angels.

Briefly, he wondered if he was feeling betrayal or if Jimmy was. He knew the word of the emotion. He wasn't sure how it felt like. And, this must be it.

He was always a follower. That's what he was created to be. A soldier. He needed leadership. A strong, infallible leader. Someone worthy of his respect.

At one time, he had that leadership. He had others he could rely on. He thought he had others to rely on, anyways.

Sure, he had the Winchesters. Both were reliable. Dean was a natural leader and like a brother. Sam was a friend. However neither brother was infallible. Far from it.

Both were very imperfect. Cas figured that God tended to use imperfect people in order to do His will on earth. He had been a fool.

He had been given the task to pull Dean out of Hell by his superiors after they laid siege in order to pull the Righteous Man out. Angels who claimed to know God's will. He wondered if they were part of the rebellion or they were similarly deceived about God and His will. Or lack thereof.

He had been the closest angel to Dean, so he was given the task. He considered it to be an honor. He had plans that he would yank the human out of Hell, plop him back in his body, and the human would immediately tremble in front of him. Follow his orders unquestionably.

Until Castiel had met the man face to face.

Before getting to know Dean, Castiel followed all orders from his superiors without question. Because they were closer to God than he was. Dean taught him to question. Through just his influential personality. After all, Dean was a natural leader, although he didn't know it. Dean reminded Castiel of some of his regiment leaders.

And Dean _was_ the Righteous Man. The one who was supposed to be destined to defeat Lucifer. After all, that was why the angels laid siege to Hell. To get him out of there.

Right?

Castiel was confused now.

How could it have been God's will to have the angels pull Dean out of Hell if He didn't care about the apocalypse? If He didn't care about humanity?

It was possible Joshua, who talked to God but apparently not face to face, got the message wrong. Or Dean and Sam got the message wrong.

If Castiel hadn't gotten the order to rescue Dean, to put his hand on the human's shoulder and whisk him out of Hell, he would have remained in his regiment. No doubt following Uriel's orders. Like the good soldier he was.

He wouldn't have known Dean's friendship. However, now he was wondering if was worth it. After all, before he knew the Winchesters, he had a family. He had a purpose. He had leadership. He was an angel—a powerful being that humans trembled at his feet.

He trusted in God. He had a connection to him, although he now recognized it was tenuous at best. Non-existent at most.

And now?

Dean and Sam didn't get the message wrong. God didn't care. He was alone. Even though he trusted Dean with everything he had. But, now he was wondering if it was worth getting to know the man. Pulling him out of Hell was one thing. Getting to know him was something different.

If he had it all to do over again, would he have pulled Dean out of Hell and then sent him on his way? Or would he had deferred the assignment to some other angel?

After all, it was Dean who got him to question, to rebel, to fall. He no longer had a purpose. The Winchesters' telling of God's message destroyed any illusion that he had about himself—that he was still doing God's work, that he was different than other angels who fell for various reasons. Circumstances dictated his fall. The need to believe this was what God commanded.

How did he get so wrong?

Sam tried to say something to him. He couldn't hear. Something about needing to keep fighting together. Dean didn't say anything.

Castiel threw Dean's amulet back to him. It was supposed to lead him to God. He no longer needed it. He no longer wanted it. Although he hoped that Dean would respect him enough and not wear it in his presence again. Because it would just remind Castiel of his failure.

If God wanted him to back off, he would do what he always did—obey without questioning.

He walked out of the dingy motel room where the Winchesters had died. He wanted to be done, but he knew that, even though he was cut off from Heaven and God rejected them—all of them—he wouldn't leave his charges alone. He would help them in everything he could do.

Provided that they still want a fallen angel with no purpose left to help them.

He found himself at a bar. Alcohol didn't affect him much. Angelic constitution. But, he wanted to see how much alcohol it would take for this pain to get numb.

Because feeling human sucked.

End.

A/N: For some reason, I'm on an REM kick.


End file.
